I discovered it by accident, just clicked right into it. I was just cruising YouTube whilst suffering from PMS-induced insomnia (premenstrual syndrome, my ass – more like psychotic monster syndrome), and I decided to check out Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” video. I must admit, I always find myself boppin’ & groovin’ along with Gaga’s stuff (I just can’t seem to help it) and I get the added benefit of embarrassing my kids when I do it. I figured it was high time I watched the video that’s generated some controversy in religious circles – I do like to stay au courant with world events.
Hm. Given that I consider myself more of a spiritual person than what you could call an “organized-ly religious” one, I can’t say much about the religious ruckus – hey, whatever floats your ark. But my inner smartass ran amok, fueled by the sleepy-silly adrenaline rush I cultivated in my college years – usually during finals week. I viewed several more Gaga vids and discovered what I would consider to be Lady Gaga’s hidden talent. Let’s see if you agree as you follow me on a short-but-sweet magical musical mystery tour of selected Lady Gaga music videos. Our tour begins with the video that started me on my quest, “Alejandro.” (Please note: It will aid in our discussion if you actually view the videos – unless, of course, you’ve already committed them to memory.)
What initially caught my eye in this video was the gaggle of VERY hot-bodied guys working out via a little Greco-Roman wrestling (yep, still a dirty old broad). Their hotness was slightly lessened for me by their matching Moe from The Three Stooges haircuts; I kept expecting Curly to jump in with an “Oh, wise guy!” with the double eye-poke & waddle off with a “Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.” I giggled like a fool at the thought (sleep-deprived, remember?), but it gets even better. At about the 6:16 mark, Lady Gaga & the Moe Boys begin this cool dance routine, and I realize that Gaga’s wearing....well, it’s a loaded bra, literally. As in, with guns attached to it. Madonna had her you’ll-put-your-eye-out bra, and Gaga has her semi-mamomatics.
Now, I’m no firearms expert, so I’m not sure exactly what caliber the mamo- er, ammo would be, nor do I know how many mounds- er, rounds this bra would fire, but I am sure she’d have one hell of a time getting it through baggage check at the airport. Oh, the chaos that would ensue – at the very least, I’m thinking she’d get wanded. (Which leads me to ask where do I get such a bra, and do I get to choose my airport wand wielder – perhaps one of the Moe Boys? Grrr.)
So now my interest and my raging Martha Monthly hormones are truly piqued regarding any interesting accessories in Gaga’s other music videos. Clickety-click-click; next stop, “Bad Romance.” Even my man Rafa Nadal got caught singing along with this one during a tennis tourney TV timeout. (See how I worked in that tennis reference? I’m a crafty li’l tennis freak!)
I sat through the entire video, enjoying its spa-cum-peepshow vibe, but it didn’t deliver ‘til the very end. And oh my, what an end it is for the male character, who bid on and won a night with Gaga – he literally flames out. At first glance I’m thinking, “A highly effective 'don’t smoke in bed' PSA.” Then I spot it – Gaga’s über-cool accessory – a spark-shooter bra! Ouch! “Walk, walk, cook it, baby!” The poor guy ended up a crispy critter.
Gaga would initially seem to have some sort of a .007 fixation. (Can you imagine poor Q’s reaction had Bond, James Bond, asked for such modifications to his tighty-whities? Or would that be boxers, colored boxers?) But according to my theory, the boom-boom bra and the super-sparky model are actually the clues to Lady Gaga’s hidden talent – the talent that doesn’t jive with her super-glam pop star image.
Brace yourself for the shock, there’s no gentle way to put it: Lady Gaga seems to secretly be an outdoorsy kind of gal. In fact, I daresay she is an outdoorsman’s dream girl. It all fits:
Exhibit A - she can start the campfire with the sparky sling.
Exhibit B – she can use the semi-mamomatics for hunting and/or protection purposes. Exhibit C – if she comes up short in the hunting department, no one will go hungry because there’s always the option of chowing down on the jerky made from the meat dress she wore to the VMAs. And finally...
Exhibit D – no getting stuck out in the muck & mud of the great outdoors, because she’ll bring the mud & snow chains she borrowed from Billy Bubba to wear in the jail yard scene in “Telephone.” (Look it up yourself - I'm startin' to get a little punchy.)
I rest my case – and I can finally rest my weary head as the adrenaline afterburn dies down. As I slip off to slumber, I leave you with one final video, this one filed under “imitation is the highest form of flattery.” (Don’t worry – the DOB doesn’t have a starring role.)