Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Lady Gaga: Her Hidden Talent

I discovered it by accident, just clicked right into it. I was just cruising YouTube whilst suffering from PMS-induced insomnia (premenstrual syndrome, my ass – more like psychotic monster syndrome), and I decided to check out Lady Gaga’s “Alejandro” video. I must admit, I always find myself boppin’ & groovin’ along with Gaga’s stuff (I just can’t seem to help it) and I get the added benefit of embarrassing my kids when I do it. I figured it was high time I watched the video that’s generated some controversy in religious circles – I do like to stay au courant with world events.

Hm. Given that I consider myself more of a spiritual person than what you could call an “organized-ly religious” one, I can’t say much about the religious ruckus – hey, whatever floats your ark. But my inner smartass ran amok, fueled by the sleepy-silly adrenaline rush I cultivated in my college years – usually during finals week. I viewed several more Gaga vids and discovered what I would consider to be Lady Gaga’s hidden talent. Let’s see if you agree as you follow me on a short-but-sweet magical musical mystery tour of selected Lady Gaga music videos. Our tour begins with the video that started me on my quest, “Alejandro.” (Please note: It will aid in our discussion if you actually view the videos – unless, of course, you’ve already committed them to memory.)

What initially caught my eye in this video was the gaggle of VERY hot-bodied guys working out via a little Greco-Roman wrestling (yep, still a dirty old broad). Their hotness was slightly lessened for me by their matching Moe from The Three Stooges haircuts; I kept expecting Curly to jump in with an “Oh, wise guy!” with the double eye-poke & waddle off with a “Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.” I giggled like a fool at the thought (sleep-deprived, remember?), but it gets even better. At about the 6:16 mark, Lady Gaga & the Moe Boys begin this cool dance routine, and I realize that Gaga’s wearing....well, it’s a loaded bra, literally. As in, with guns attached to it. Madonna had her you’ll-put-your-eye-out bra, and Gaga has her semi-mamomatics.

Now, I’m no firearms expert, so I’m not sure exactly what caliber the mamo- er, ammo would be, nor do I know how many mounds- er, rounds this bra would fire, but I am sure she’d have one hell of a time getting it through baggage check at the airport. Oh, the chaos that would ensue – at the very least, I’m thinking she’d get wanded. (Which leads me to ask where do I get such a bra, and do I get to choose my airport wand wielder – perhaps one of the Moe Boys? Grrr.)

So now my interest and my raging Martha Monthly hormones are truly piqued regarding any interesting accessories in Gaga’s other music videos. Clickety-click-click; next stop, “Bad Romance.” Even my man Rafa Nadal got caught singing along with this one during a tennis tourney TV timeout. (See how I worked in that tennis reference? I’m a crafty li’l tennis freak!)

I sat through the entire video, enjoying its spa-cum-peepshow vibe, but it didn’t deliver ‘til the very end. And oh my, what an end it is for the male character, who bid on and won a night with Gaga – he literally flames out. At first glance I’m thinking, “A highly effective 'don’t smoke in bed' PSA.” Then I spot it – Gaga’s ├╝ber-cool accessory – a spark-shooter bra! Ouch! “Walk, walk, cook it, baby!” The poor guy ended up a crispy critter.

Gaga would initially seem to have some sort of a .007 fixation. (Can you imagine poor Q’s reaction had Bond, James Bond, asked for such modifications to his tighty-whities? Or would that be boxers, colored boxers?) But according to my theory, the boom-boom bra and the super-sparky model are actually the clues to Lady Gaga’s hidden talent – the talent that doesn’t jive with her super-glam pop star image.

Brace yourself for the shock, there’s no gentle way to put it: Lady Gaga seems to secretly be an outdoorsy kind of gal. In fact, I daresay she is an outdoorsman’s dream girl. It all fits:

Exhibit A - she can start the campfire with the sparky sling.
Exhibit B – she can use the semi-mamomatics for hunting and/or protection purposes. Exhibit C – if she comes up short in the hunting department, no one will go hungry because there’s always the option of chowing down on the jerky made from the meat dress she wore to the VMAs. And finally...
Exhibit D – no getting stuck out in the muck & mud of the great outdoors, because she’ll bring the mud & snow chains she borrowed from Billy Bubba to wear in the jail yard scene in “Telephone.” (Look it up yourself - I'm startin' to get a little punchy.)

I rest my case – and I can finally rest my weary head as the adrenaline afterburn dies down. As I slip off to slumber, I leave you with one final video, this one filed under “imitation is the highest form of flattery.” (Don’t worry – the DOB doesn’t have a starring role.)

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Cialis® & Other Medical Miracles

Hallelujah! I just discovered a miracle drug: Cialis®. What makes it miraculous isn’t that it supposedly does wonders for a man’s down under, though I realize that IS a spectacular selling point. Nope; the true miracle was revealed to me in a vision, i.e., the Cialis® TV ad.

In this vision, a man carries an overfull laundry basket down to the basement laundry room, catches the glance of his grateful woman and…TA-DAH! Suddenly, the background music changes to “mood music” as their gaze deepens, turning to one full of as much lust as can get past a TV censor, and that boring basement laundry room morphs into a tropical paradise. (True, all true! Even I couldn’t make this crap up.) IT’S A MIRACLE!!! Where do I line up for a drug that can instantly turn my laundry room into a romantic beach setting, complete with mood lighting and – miracle of all miracles – no discernable evidence of bugs or other creepy-crawlies?

I ran to my hubby in ecstatic glee, crowing about my incredible discovery. I jabbered to him semi-coherently about laundry, drugs & tropical drinks, ending with, “So Baby, you just sashay your ass on over to the doctor’s office for a year’s supply of this stuff. I don’t care whether it’s covered by insurance, I don’t care what it costs – it’s worth every penny!” Imagine my disappointment – nay, my utter heartbreak – when he just sat there looking at me as though I’d lost my mind, then rolled his eyes & went back to whatever lame-ass thing he’d been checking out on his computer.

Men – can’t live with ‘em, can’t neuter ‘em. (But then actually needing Cialis® would be the least of their worries, right?)

But I don’t want to end on such a deflated (tee-hee) & cranky note, so here’s another medical miracle I’ve discovered, courtesy of my gal-pal Jen who got it who-knows-where on the web. I believe this substance, if used properly and responsibly, would greatly improve everyone’s laundry day – no prescription necessary. Cheers!

Important Women's Health Issue:
* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
* Do you suffer exhaustion from the day to day grind?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.

Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.

DISCLAIMERS/WARNINGS: Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:
- Dizziness
- Nausea
- Vomiting
- Incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of bladder control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- A desire to sing Karaoke

* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
* The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing (a problem during the aforementioned Karaoke).
* The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Please share this, and the following, with other women who may need Margaritas.