Sunday, November 25, 2012

Men: Gettin’ All Metaphysical

Men have done their damnedest to convince us that they’re very solid, logical, sensible creatures – no woo-woo magical stuff for them, they don't believe in it. If they can’t see it, smell it, scratch it or “rearrange” it (heh), it does not exist. Well, sorry to break it to all you boys, but this DOB knows better and is blowing your cover.

The final piece of the puzzle fell into place for me as I drove around in my Quest of The Neverending Errand: men absolutely must believe in a whole host of psychic phenomenon. One can draw no other conclusion, based on typical male behaviors. I present to you proof of my startling hypothesis.

Example 1: Turn Signals (That Final Puzzle Piece)

Men don’t need no stinkin’ turn signals – because they obviously believe you can read their freakin’ minds and thereby avoid rear-ending them when they turn without warning at the very last second. (Yeah, yeah, I know: quit yer bitchin’ & consider it a freebie cardio workout, but I may have soiled myself.)

Example 2: Answering Any/All Questions With A Grunt

She: I can grill steaks or chicken breasts for dinner. Which sounds better?
He: *grunt*
She: Which one was that?
He: *grunt*
She: So either one is fine?
He: *grunt & scratch*
She: Ohhh-kay, shit-on-a-shingle, it is! (This dialogue could’ve gone through several more grunts, but She has been married to He for more than two decades - her patience is wearing a little thin.)

Example 3: Honey, Have You Seen My (Missing Item)?

Yes, please let me use my congenital psychic-chick GPS to pinpoint exactly where you left your keys/wallet/cellphone charger. Pffft. The only thing I can definitely find is your dirty socks & boxers; I can guarantee they’ll be on the floor, about 6” from the hamper…cuz that’s where you *always* drop ‘em. (I can also use my staggering psychic powers to tell you that the socks’ll be in an inside-out, wadded up, stinky ball – but that’s an attitude & argument for a different post.)

Example 4: Not Telling You He’s Used the Last…

…just about anything that needs to be replenished on a regular basis. He expects you to magically know he took the last roll of paper towels to use in the garage, or that he took the last of the AA batteries (particularly frustrating, take my word for it). Or maybe he put that very last roll of TP on the holder- HA!

That last one was a trick – everybody knows guys do not *do* TP replacement, cuz it just ain’t manly AND, belief in psychic abilities notwithstanding, will never happen without a little divine intervention or an act of Congress (which is still pretty heavy on the testosterone, so good luck with that).

So yeah, as you can see, He-man's secret is revealed and the gals are not falling for it any longer. Next time your sweetie mumbles one of his requests for you to perform miracles, get that unfocused look in your eye, have yourself a good scratch, then answer him with…a grunt.